Monday, April 30, 2012

Internal and External Changes

I've noticed a strange pattern with this blog. The majority of my posts are about improving my ability to do something. Sleep better, keep on projects, maintain momentum, etc. In my head, though, these aren't 'real' improvements. To me, improvements change the state of who I am. Improved me is more patient, more controlled, more able to stand up for himself, etc. But that isn't what I'm working towards. I'm working towards the external changes.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. External changes are just as important as the internal ones if you want to get anywhere. But to leave the internal changes off entirely? No. Terrible idea.

The problem is it's easier to make external changes than internal ones. If I want to be better at balancing my budgets, all I need to do is set up a system and stick with it. If I want to be braver... how the hell do I do that? Changes in personality come from challenges. That isn't something you start at will.

But it's still vital to do them. It's just a matter of figuring out how.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

The Problem with Weekly Tasks

There are a couple of things I want to do at least once a week. There are a couple of things other people want to do once a week. We all never do them. Goals I plan once a day are fine. But if it's less than that, even if it's a less demanding responsibility, it never happens. I think the problem lies in the amount of leeway I'm giving myself. If I can do something any day, and I don't feel like doing it today, I'll say "eh, tomorrow". And then tomorrow I'll say "eh, tomorrow" again. Repeat as necessary. When the week is past I've sort of forgotten when the deadline was, and even if I remember think it can be fuzzy (since I'm already up against the well). Then it becomes "eh, I'll do it next week for sure" and the process repeats.

This isn't a problem if I do something every day, because then I, well, have to do it every day. This makes the solution set simple:

A) Make things happen daily. I have to update the blog every day, for example.
B) Make things happen on specific days. I have to update the blog every Wednesday. I can update before then, but I still have to update on Wednesday.
C) Build a dynamic. Yes, I know this is the obvious solution. Still.

I'm gonna try A for a bit, although I'm adding the caveat I can also update The Other Blog.

Monday, April 23, 2012

False Promises

Last night I reread this entire blog, noting the projects I said I started. Millennium Goals. The Workbank. A more rigorous sleep schedule. Wordsmashing on the other blog. All of them gone, abandoned a couple of weeks after they started. I think I heard this problem on the edge of my vision. More recently I've begun projects but not talked about them, because I was afraid of publicizing a thing that was bound to fail. I promised I would update this blog at least once a week. My last post was almost a month ago. I don't keep my promises.

I've thought back to all my previous, long dead ideas. The Lightbulb Project. Dinner with Strangers. Foodmapping. Who knows how many writing projects. Exercise. None of these are part of my life anymore. I still find some of them exciting or important. That doesn't matter. It seems that if something has to last more than a couple of days or so, I abandon it. If I had to point to my biggest flaw, it's probably this. I can't keep interested in things. Even when I know the rewards far outway the costs.

This is as close as you can get to stasis. How am I supposed to change when I can't stay changed for even a week? True change is supposed to affect the rest of your life. I can't cause it. It just happens to me. I'm standing still and don't know how to move.

I've tried a hundred different tricks to keep motivated. They work for a bit but I drop them too. The problem feeds into it itself. It is unsolvable because I need it solved to solve it. Catch-22.

Of course it's not truly unsolvable. It's just that at this time in this place my methods of fighting it have miserably failed. Maybe I need new methods. Maybe I'm thinking about it in the entirely wrong way. Maybe I can't beat it on my own and need outside help to deal. Maybe it really is unfixable. Refusing to think that as it's unproductive.

I think the problem boils down to the following: it's not about keeping motivated in a particular project, it's becoming a type of person who can stay motivated in general. Right now I think my problem has little to do with losing interest and much more to do with losing steam. Thing is, I have no idea how to change that. There's gotta be some way to throw yourself off center such that for a drop of time the rules don't apply to a small part of you. That's the window.

I started this blog to make my projects public so I could be held accountable if they failed. That didn't work. I think it quickly morphed from "here's what to harass me about" to "lookit me im improving!" and "listen to my opiiiniiiiiiooooonnnnnns". Someone rightfully pointed out that to some extent I was more interested in appearing to change than actually changing. "The guy obsessed with self improvement." Well, I have to recognize that this is true. I also have to recognize that some of my problems are the type which I can't deal with privately. Between contributing to a public image I hate and not getting this problem into the open, I should choose the former. Better be seen as arrogant and be dynamic than be seen as normal and be static.

So yeah. Proposed problem: how do I change from being a person who can't keep motivated on {arbitrary issue} to one who can? And how do I ensure that I actually follow through on this? I want to hear your thoughts.